Our whole lives are full of relationships. Our first relationship starts with our mother when our soul enters her womb. But how can we use relationships to our advantage? We hear about all the damage that relationships are supposed to do and many of us bear the scars of our intertwined lives. But, surely that is a more fundamental reason for relating to others? Well you guessed it there is a more fundamental reason, which is that every relationship mirrors an aspect of us that is either working or not working.
As a adolescent I entered the world of dating with all the knowledge I had absorbed whilst I was growing up. I am aware now that some of the ways I had seen and absorbed did not really serve me very well. Over the process of many years and three main relationships later I am finally getting it :-) I've read many books, attended workshops and even worked with a few counsellors to reflect on what healthy relating really is all about.
I don't regret my journey even the learned parts of me that did not work because they gave me wonderful insights that enable me to help others, so in that case I feel very fortunate to have them. I have realised that love is not some romantic notion and there is no happily ever after. As I said to my daughter only this evening relationships rub against you and you against the other person and together you create moment to moment a more conscious version.
I won't tell you anything hear that will change your life because as I know only you can do that. Yet, I will tell you that being authentic and honest in sharing all your resources and being flexible is very helpful. Whereas, self sacrifice and people pleasing will only create resentment and ill feeling and sooner or later you will begin to hate the person you are over giving to and they will hate you.
There will be times when your barrel is full and you have lots to share. There will be times when what is in your barrel you need to give to one or two projects. There will be times when the barrel is near empty and you need to rest or lean on friends. Yet, your feelings will help you to know. It is better to say No now than to say yes and then spend the next hours hating the other person.
To care about yourself and the other persons wellbeing you need to be flexible. It is true that you will give up much for the life you share with another but you will also gain so much. However, it takes two willing people to make a relationship work. If each person is really loving they will care about the wellbeing of each other and themselves individually. You really shouldn't have to ask permission to care for your wellbeing because each person cares about each other enough to not expect this. If something makes you feel so deliriously happy then why would I want to stop you doing it. I expect you to freely want to spend time with me but if not then why are you with me and more to the point why am I with you?
I love myself enough to know that sometimes you have to walk away from loved ones whether they be family, partners or friends until you learn to totally stand firm and not allow others to knock you constantly off your path before you have stabilized. I always think of bambi, he needed support until he was sturdy enough to stand on his own. Therefore, sometimes you may need to take a break or set boundaries on people whose behaviours are pulling you down. However, sooner or later you need to learn to stand firm and choose who you are and not be swayed by these sorts of people.
Finally know that it is our friends, family and all our relationships that are the fire that helps us to grow and evolved so observing our own behaviours, thoughts and knowing how we want to behave matters. We really can change all by changing what we allow and how we respond.
With love
Joanne xxx
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